Coming...

It is just about 12 days til one of the hardest day of my life. The day we had to say good bye to baby "Brenden" (as the kids have named it so that in heaven one day we can find it.) I know it had to be to have our little Bee but it was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It will be 3 years and it only seems like yesterday I was wishing for the hole to be filled. I did not handle the loss very well and ended up lossing some of the memories I should have been making with my two oldest kids. I hate this more than anything and Tryon even told me that I took care of the kids, made sure they where safe and the I was empty. I hate this too! Paisley still remebers this and does not like to see me zoned out or cry at all. I made it after a long road of being mad at God and so confused at why at 10 1/2 weeks I would loss a baby that the whole family was looking forward to having in our home. I know now it was because that baby was not ment to be in our family and that God had Brezlyn in mind for us. She is a perfect fit and a joy but it was hard to see this for a while. It took Brezlyn becoming sick for me to realize this and to forgive God for the loss of Brenden. I now know one day we will see this little baby who we all loved so much and that God's angels are taking care of him/her for us. Keyton really helped me in this area...He always talks about how one day when he gets to heaven that he is going to hold him (because he is sure it was a boy) and have him show him around heaven. He also talks about how we always have him and he is just our baby in Gods hands looking down on us. Wow what comes out of the mouths of babies!! He does not remeber the dark time in our lives but does know that there was another one before Bee. I dont think I could be in this place of peace with out him, my little now 3 year old who knows that God loves him and loves his brother in heaven. Him naming the baby and keeping him close has helped. Also his love for the lord that helped pull me back. It did hurt at first to hear the kids talk about the baby all the time but over time it is a confort to me that no one will forget him/her. Paisley now just looks after me...when I am sad she lays with me or checks on me all the time. I hate that she has to do this because how much she did for Keyton and me while I was so sad. She also is worried about this baby...one day while in the bath room she asked me "Is there blood?" I said no i am fine and she said " Oh good I know blood means no more baby" Made me sad that she remebers this and the she carries it like that. On the other hand her love and consern for everyone helped me and I know she will be a wonderful lady one day with such a big heart. She also loves her sister so much because she knows how fast things can change with a baby and how much of a wonderful thing it is to bring one home. I love my kids all 4 of them and the one on the way. I miss the one we lost but would not change it to not have Bee. She is a blessing in more ways than one. She brought me back from a dark place and she pulled me back to God. I would not be the person I am now with out all of my kids. They all had a part in my healing and they all have a part in my life that would be so different if they where not here. God knows what he is doing and I trust him but sometimes it is hard to wait to see what he has for us. I hope this year is a remeberance of the one we lost rather than a dark day like it has the past few years. I hate that it is so close to Christmas and hope to never miss another Christmas in my kids lives again.