Update on family

First off my aunt Cissy had her pet scan and found that the cancer has not spread!! Great news...She had the mastectomy on Friday and is doing well. They will start chemo and radiation sometime in the near future and have another reconstructive surgery. All seems well but the radiation will be hard and just keep her in your thoughts. But praise God she is ok now!

That is really the only new news...Deon had his test but will not know til some time next week where they will go from here. My cousin's little girl heads to Lubbock on the 5th and we will know more then and the other I dont know right now.

Thanks for all the prayers and keep them coming...I am so happy for some good news and hope the rest will be the same.

Coming...

It is just about 12 days til one of the hardest day of my life. The day we had to say good bye to baby "Brenden" (as the kids have named it so that in heaven one day we can find it.) I know it had to be to have our little Bee but it was one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It will be 3 years and it only seems like yesterday I was wishing for the hole to be filled. I did not handle the loss very well and ended up lossing some of the memories I should have been making with my two oldest kids. I hate this more than anything and Tryon even told me that I took care of the kids, made sure they where safe and the I was empty. I hate this too! Paisley still remebers this and does not like to see me zoned out or cry at all. I made it after a long road of being mad at God and so confused at why at 10 1/2 weeks I would loss a baby that the whole family was looking forward to having in our home. I know now it was because that baby was not ment to be in our family and that God had Brezlyn in mind for us. She is a perfect fit and a joy but it was hard to see this for a while. It took Brezlyn becoming sick for me to realize this and to forgive God for the loss of Brenden. I now know one day we will see this little baby who we all loved so much and that God's angels are taking care of him/her for us. Keyton really helped me in this area...He always talks about how one day when he gets to heaven that he is going to hold him (because he is sure it was a boy) and have him show him around heaven. He also talks about how we always have him and he is just our baby in Gods hands looking down on us. Wow what comes out of the mouths of babies!! He does not remeber the dark time in our lives but does know that there was another one before Bee. I dont think I could be in this place of peace with out him, my little now 3 year old who knows that God loves him and loves his brother in heaven. Him naming the baby and keeping him close has helped. Also his love for the lord that helped pull me back. It did hurt at first to hear the kids talk about the baby all the time but over time it is a confort to me that no one will forget him/her. Paisley now just looks after me...when I am sad she lays with me or checks on me all the time. I hate that she has to do this because how much she did for Keyton and me while I was so sad. She also is worried about this baby...one day while in the bath room she asked me "Is there blood?" I said no i am fine and she said " Oh good I know blood means no more baby" Made me sad that she remebers this and the she carries it like that. On the other hand her love and consern for everyone helped me and I know she will be a wonderful lady one day with such a big heart. She also loves her sister so much because she knows how fast things can change with a baby and how much of a wonderful thing it is to bring one home. I love my kids all 4 of them and the one on the way. I miss the one we lost but would not change it to not have Bee. She is a blessing in more ways than one. She brought me back from a dark place and she pulled me back to God. I would not be the person I am now with out all of my kids. They all had a part in my healing and they all have a part in my life that would be so different if they where not here. God knows what he is doing and I trust him but sometimes it is hard to wait to see what he has for us. I hope this year is a remeberance of the one we lost rather than a dark day like it has the past few years. I hate that it is so close to Christmas and hope to never miss another Christmas in my kids lives again.

On of those fUN days...

Yes it is one of those days in my house....Keyton will not leave anyone be and is always having to hold my hand no matter what I am doing. I know I should love his attention but it is hard to get things done or seem like i am my own. Maybe it is harder now with sharing my body again but I could scream at him to leave me alone. He is also picking on everyone...hitting, kicking, and just laying on everyone. Even my mom said he got on her nevers for the short run I made to wally world. Brezlyn thinks she can just push, take toys and scream to get her way. She has ended up in her bed a few times today. Paisley is not being to bad just having to be little mommy to everyone which get them going too. Dont get me wrong I love my babies but today is one of the trying days that make you want to scream things you dont mean. I know tomorrow will be better but boy we need to have a day out of this house soon before someone kills someone else! LOL I know they love eachother and me. I also know i love them more than anything in this world. I know being a stay at home mom is my calling and the only thing i have ever wanted to be in life. I know everyday is not this way and that Christmas coming has everyone on edge for it to be here. I am ready to because I love Christmas just lord let me make it through these days in a good way not a horrable way.

Screams that pierce your heart....

Tonight was a scary night for Tryon and I...

I was told at Keyton's school when I picked him up that when he woke up from nap that he said his tummy was really hurting. They watched him and he went off to play fine, but then told me that I packed him to much food for lunch. If you know Keyton that is strange because he is always hngery and eats everything we give him. Then he was fine at home so I did not think of it again til dinner. I gave him his food and once the food hit his stomic he started saying his tmmy hurts bad. I told him to drink some water and that is when the screams started. They where not bad at first so I told him to come lay down with me and just rest for a while. after about 10mins his screams started to become so loud and full of pain. The kind that could make blood curdle! I was getting really worried and rubbing his back as he layed in a ball on the couch. Tryon got home a few mins later and we tried everything. Tryon got him to drink a glass of juice but the screams kept coming and closer together too...we loaded everyone up to take him in to the ER. Scared it was his appendix or something crazy like that. Turns out it was just that he was extreamly dehydrated and had a huge gas bubble that made his tummy extended. After 3 glasses of water and another glass of juice he is becoming more like himself and has pottied good 6 times. We found out that he has not been drinking anything at school or while at my moms. 2 days with no water or anything...no good at all. We are watching him and really shaken up by this but glad he is fine now. I never want to hear those screams ever come out of one my kids ever agian. It took all I had not to break down and cry right there with him.

Needing my prayer worriors!

At this normally joyful time of year a few of my family member have gotten bad news and need our prayers to have healing in their lives.

First off is my Aunt/God mother Cissy...this time last year she had a lump (cancer) in her brest and removed it fine. This year they have found another one in the other brest and it is cancer again. She is starting ratiation and cemo this week. We are praying it will all go away this time and that it has not spread. Hoping for the best so that she will be fine to watch her grandson grow and any other grands that come into their family.

Next is my uncle/God father Deon...yes her hubby. He has some blood disorder right now and his body is not replishing the blood that you loses every day. More than likely he will need surgery to help him do this. We will know more on the 14th after his apt. Hoping that they can fix it so that he will be fine also

Then my Cousin she is 6 or 7 and has acute sickle cell leukemia... they where hoping to start her radiation this next month but her cell levels have dropped yet again too low. She is being sent to lubbock after the holidays to see what is going on with that. Hoping that they can do something soon so that it can go into remishen soon. This was one of the things they thought Brezlyn had and it hurts to see them going through what we could have been doing this whole time.

then another one of my cousins little 3 month old is having blood problems and is under going test to see what is going on. Reminds me of our own story with Bee. They have no idea what is going on but are sending her to lubbock too wich usally mean so kind of cancer. I am praying not.

There is so many things going on in my family right now and it is hard to be so cheerful at Christmas when so many are hurting and scared. I know first hand the power of prayer and know if its Gods will and we ask it will be. Please dont forget them this time of year. Thanks

Potty here we come!

Brezlyn is starting to want to Potty in the potty now...She goes at least once a day but really likes it when Paisley takes her instead of me. When we sing her the potty song I made up for Paisley and just used for all 3 now, She dances and sings with us. I know if I pushed her more she would be doing better but after just getting Keyton done and finally not have the miss haps with him. I am just not ready to start again. I do have a goal of having her in panties by May before the baby gets here though so maybe after the holidays we will really start pushing it a little more. I am very happy she is ready on her own unlike big bro and that she is ready to be a big girl. Thankfully I know there is no hurry to get her there and there is no need in stressing with it like I did with Keyton. She will be just like Paisley when she is there it will be one day she just does it and thats that. Will be nice to still only have to buy one set of diapers too!

Brezlyn is also learning to count to ten and other than missing 4 she is doing it!!! I am so happy she is and she has almost got her colors but still likes to say everything is yellow. She is just not able to sit still to really learn and I am thinking of starting her on tus. and thurs. when the big kids are not here so that maybe we can catch up on what she needs to know by now.

Oh my...

Well hormons have really taken over me as....I cry over everything. I sent the kids all a video of Santa that we started doing last year. He talks to them, uses their names and looks at their file which has pics of them in it. It is really neat. Well even before I showed them the night before I watched to make sure it was all right and looked good. I cryed at all of them. Then while they watched I cryed at the faces they made and how excited they got over it all. Another time I cryed when we where watching a Christmas show and the main person said..."i don't even know what Christmas means" Paisley turns to me and said "Its Jesus' birthday and thats why we give because of him" WOW I was happy but the tears came. There are so many other times like getting them dressed for pics and how cute they all look. I cant keep the tears from coming at all.

I am also so easy to get mad right now and I feel so sorry for my family. I try not to but I cant help it some days. I hate this part and hope it stops soon because I think Tryon is going to kill me LOL.
He has made fun of me lovingly when I cry and when I am mad at nothing at all. He makes me laugh at how silly I seem now and all.

The other thing this has brought up is the sadness I feel when I think of this being our last Baby. I know my body is giving me signs this time that I should not do this again. With my back problems and other things that go along with that. Also the fear I have with lossing it. I thought it would be better after having a perfectly fine baby after but it is no different than with Brezlyn. I find myself scared ever min of the day and alway checking for blood. I know that sounds silly but it is on my mind no matter how hard I try not to think that way. Then I can see it is on Paisley's mind too...the other day in the bathroom I just checked out of habbit and she asked " Mommy is there blood?" I said "no baby not at all" she said " Oh good the baby is fine". Makes me sad to see she is already like that and i hope she forgets before she ever goes down this road. Anyways this fear is why I really don't want to do this again, It is just to hard to be scared all the time and the stress is wearing on me big time. The good news is it will be a little less in a few weeks when the first trimester is over!! Yeah i will be glad then it will be almost gone when I feel those good hard kicks and turns. I am feeling movement so that makes me happy and waiting til it is more constent and harder!!! I will miss the feeling of being pregnant and bringing home a new baby to the faimly but I hope one day our money situation will change and maybe we could adopt 2 more kids if God wills that. I would love to help a child out the way my Birth mother did me. I know this is the right choice for our family but it is hard for me to say that it is over when my heart could go on forever. LOL

I am sure it did not help that I wanted to do something to remeber baby Brenden as the Kids named the one that is in heaven. After lossing it my aunt gave me this angel holding a little baby. I have always looked at it as my baby being looked after by God and his angels. I also have the sonogram of this baby and have had them locked away...This year as we finished putting things on the walls with them finally being finished. I found my Angel and the sonogram photos. I framed the best one of my little one and put it in my room with the angel next to it. It is my Baby Brenden and will always be part of this family. I know it sounds a little silly but it was a good step for me. I have come to turms with the loss and now moving on with him/her in the family as well.

Then there is the excitement of June and I just cant wait to hold this baby and birng it home to be with its family. The kids pray every night for the baby to grow big and strong, which just melts my heart ever time. They kiss my belly and Brezlyn loves to poke my belly button and talk to it there. She also says there are two babies but we will see soon enough lOL. Paisley finally said today that she wants a brother for Keyton!!! Wow I was shocked because she has always just wanted sisters! I cant wait to hold it but I am still not looking forward to never doing all of this again.

Sorry for the rambling but there has been so many thing on my mind with this baby. I had to get some of them out before they swollowed me LOL.