Remember.....

Sorry this post is mainly for me but you are more than welcome to read my thoughts if you would like.



This week I would have a one year old. My little angel would have made its way into the world as of the 8th but sadly never made it past 10 1/2 weeks of pregnancy. My due date was not til the 18th but I have never went past a week before so this would have been the latest date for me. This month and Dec. are now a hard month for me. Yes I have 3 beautiful healthy kids one who would not be here if this tragedy had not happened. I am very blessed to have them all and there is not a day that goes by that I do not thank God for the beautiful gifts he has given me. This however does not heal my bleeding heart for the baby I never had the chance to meet. Yes (sadly and with a heavy heart) I did hold it for a moment but this is something I wish never happened. I still wonder who and what the little angel would be like and what it would have been to be give it a big 1st birthday this week. I miss that baby terribly and I am having a hard time letting it go. (something people never understand til it happens to you) I wish I would have had the chance to know that baby for a little longer time ( in some ways) or that It never would have happened at all. I still can't understand why or how and I know i never will. I have struggled with my faith over this and questioned God. I know God will bring something good out of this one day, I have seen him do it before in my life. I know Brezlyn is one thing I have now that I would not have if the other one had made it. It is just hard to see the light some days and to see the good in things. I miss my baby because it was a part of me and a future that I will never have now. My world was tossed upside down that Dec. and it took all i had to keep it from taking me with it. I still have a hard time with the fact that I almost died that day too and my poor babies had to watch that. I could have and almost did bleed to death right before their little eyes. I stayed awake for them and made it to the hospital for those two beautiful kids. They kept me going and it is scary to think that if I did not have any other kids that I may have given up that day.....I am grateful for them everyday...

What makes things so hard is that my sweet girl has to feel all this pain as well. Paisley still talks about our other baby and it breaks my heart every time she says..."our other baby is in heaven". I am so glad she wants to remember it but it sometimes hurts so much. Also just the fact that she has had to go through the stages of grief to at such a young age. Keyton gets nervous every month because I bleed again and he is scared of this now after what he saw. My heart breaks for them every time....

I think God for a safe pregnancy with Brezlyn and that her birth went well. I also am so grateful that her cyst when away and she is now a healthy happy baby. I am also so grateful to her for healing (just a small Part) my heart and bringing me back. I love all my kids even the one I never got to see. I enjoy watching them grow every day and cant wait to see what life has in store for them. I hope one day to finally see my little one who (as Paisley says) is with the angels...they are taking care of it now.

Sorry for the sad speech but I needed to get it out. I am still struggling and i know grief is a long hard road. One day I will make it down it....